Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.